Bittersweet Symphony

I was about to go to bed, but then I decided to post the past few days worth of self-portraits. Upon titling them, I ended up using titles of a few songs of the later 1990's, and decided to make a sweet playlist to match the photos and construct a blog post from there. So, as long as I can get my photos posted how I like, this should be a fairly decent blog.

Day 215. Can I Graduate?
This title is actually taken from the song "Graduate" by Third Eye Blind, who were one of my favorite bands in high school. I chose this title originally in reference to the fact that I have not yet received my diploma from Temple. Here's what I wrote to accompany the photo:

Despite the fact that I made a litany of ill-informed decisions in my post-secondary career, I am still extremely proud that I am a college graduate. I remember going to friends' houses and seeing their parents wearing clothes with their college logos on them, or seeing such things on TV and thinking how cool it was. Is Temple the greatest school? No. Did I have a great experience? No. Did I get my money's worth? No. Yet I remember on one of my last days of high school, a teacher whose opinion I highly value told me never to be ashamed of who I am or the choices I make. Between that advice and the hard work I put in over the past six years, I will always be proud to say that I graduated from Temple, regardless of how I may feel about the school itself.

Day 216. Wishin' and Hopin'
I realize that the song referenced in the title wasn't originally recorded in the 90's, but the version I like, by Ani DiFranco, was. So this one sneaks in. Looking at this photo made me think about all of the thoughts that have my mind racing these days, and I focused my writing on that. The photo's caption is as follows:

Being home alone for this week has given me a significant amount of time to be alone with my thoughts, perhaps even too much time. Lately I have been doing a hefty amount of thinking about the future and what it holds for me, and how what I am doing now will or will not affect it. I'm happy to be living with Abby, but it is becoming increasingly likely that in order for me to begin achieving financial success I will have to move back in with my parents and/or be apart from Abby again (depending on where she works next year).

Day 217. Everything to Everyone.
Although I have never admitted publicly before now, I've always felt that this song applied to me. It's one of my faults, always trying to be the crowd-pleaser. Originally I planned to write about my desire to change that and focus on my needs a bit more, but as seems to be the trend, I went in another direction:

My job search upon moving to South Carolina was humbling, to say the very least. I came from graduating college and leaving a management position at a respected landmark to answering mindless questions on pre-employment assessments and being denied by Target. Now, as a photographer at Ripley's Aquarium, I have a fun job and am making decent money, but it doesn't feel like enough. Is this how I'm starting off in the so-called "real world?" I wonder if this is just a result of circumstance or a serious lack of work ethic and drive on my part. Regardless, I need to significantly up my efforts in the career search, and go where ever that takes me.

Day 218. I Miss You.
I think Blink 182's "I Miss You" actually came out in the 2000's, but to me they're a 90's band, so I'm including it. This is the one photo where I wrote about what I originally intended to write about. The subject, of course, is Abby and how much I've missed her over the past few days:

It's amazing how things change. Over the course of the second half of 2008, Abby and I were apart much more than we were together. We dealt with it. Now we live together, and have for about a month now. For whatever reason, this week seems almost as hard if not harder than the months we spent apart before. She has only been gone for four days and I miss her terribly. I've always felt, sometimes with good reason, that as a friend or companion, people love me when I'm around, but when I'm not, I'm easily put into the category of out of sight, out of mind. I've realized this week that with my financial status and the looming loan bills, that I have no idea when I'll see the majority of my friends and family again.

Clearly, there's a lot on my mind right now. Most of it comes back to uncertainty, which has been a theme over the past few years. I'm on my eighth address in seven years, I've experienced a multitude of ups and downs, made some major decisions, both beneficial and detrimental, and generally just had an unpredictable life since graduating high school. On one hand, I always looked forward to bit of unpredictability. Now, however, I would like just a little bit more stability in my life. Hopefully, over the course of what should be another unpredictable year, I will find the right balance I need to feel a sense of comfort.

In The Light

It's been a few weeks since my last update, and I'm determined to stay on top of this, so here it goes. I've been working as a photographer at Ripley's Aquarium here in Myrtle Beach. Hopefully, once the paychecks start coming, it'll pay the bills and allow me to save a bit. It's a fun job, and would've been a great job to have at any point before now. The problem is that now I have a degree and I'm working a part-time job. What am I really contributing? I really want to find something in my field and grow and develop within that field. Chances are, this job will last me through summer and I'll seek out more permanent employment elsewhere.

On the subject of elsewhere, Abby is currently in Philadelphia interviewing with several international schools in hopes of finding employment in another country. The most promising prospect at the moment is a school in Maturín, Venezuela. I've been reading conflicting reports on the level of safety for US citizens living or visiting Venezuela this morning, and would love a more definitive answer. I am all for living and working in another country, but I wonder how it would end up. In a country where we don't speak the language, our social circle could end up being limited to the other teachers at the school. This is all well and good, but it's nice to be able to socialize with people outside of work who you do not actually work with. It may seem silly to be considering a social life while there are so many important factors to consider, but it is important. I want to be able to meet new people and make new friends where ever we may end up. As far as international escapades are concerned, I'd love to use an opportunity in Venezuela as a stepping stone to living and working in Europe, where we could comfortably spend a few years.

Very little else is going on in my world at the moment. I miss a few little things about Philadelphia, but not too much. Mainly, its the proximity to friends and ability to walk to a variety of places that I miss. Other than that, I'm ok with where I am now. Occasionally I do encounter the stereotypical Southern attitude, but not often enough that it is a problem. I'm sure it will become a more pleasant experience once tourist season picks up and there is more to do. Those aforementioned paychecks should help too, with trips to Charleston spicing things up a bit.

In the meantime, I hope to find a lead on a job that involves my Film and Media Arts degree in some capacity. I want to have a job in which I feel useful, not just a body performing mindless tasks in repetitive fashion. Also, I am in desperate need of ideas for good self portraits. I am 200+ days into the project and find my creative well running dry.